Sunday, July 4, 2010

My Poem: Transitory roles

Life, all life is a stage, may for all come a time to attach, detach, grow, and age, take off the costume and explore a new scripts page,

Hired by the Almighty creator of all, may we not forget this when we stand tall, fall, or stall,rather through it all keep truth rolling like a ball,

May we be born again, remove the acting face, replace it with Jesus's grace, let our sin be erased, come Holy Spirit and fill this place,

I surrender my life to you Lord of Lord's. All is in your hands...

Friday, July 2, 2010

Reflections on coping w/ morgellons symptoms

What a meditation, the fight of my kife this morgellons is. Everyday just working to stay calm and peaceful when bugs are coming out of my nose onto my face and all over body, into mouth, gums, throat, toungue, while crawling, biting, and itching.Every time I breathe I am either breathing them into to me or out onto me. You know how many breaths one takes in a day? They are in my muscle and brain and of course gut and everywhere. One must transcend the physical just to survive. I am trying my best. I try to stick to this mantra I set for myself, " In this test I will not stress, I'll do my best and let the rest manifest....give it up to God". I am not going outside anymore. As a person who loves nature this is something to adjust to. As many morgellons people know we attract bugs to us. I didn't take this too seriously and was going for a walk everyday. BUt my symptoms would get worse and both visible and invisible bugs would be felt especially on head and face. After coming back from outside one time I picked out two black bugs imbedded in the skin of my neck.. After that I hardly go out. I for my birthday on June 22nd thought I would just let go and forget about it and went outside for at least and hour and I felt stuff and have since just felt that i should stay in until I get better.

ANother part of me wonders should I just let it get worse when I go out and still try to live my life? When I do this every time the worsening of the symptoms brings my spirits down and I work so hard to keep them up. All this stuff in the big picture is small stuff I know. A big thing for me is to forgive myself. I don't know if anyone else has this issue but every time the symptoms are worse or I feel something new, I blame myself and say, "Maybe I should not have done this" or "I messed up and did blah blah blah" I only recently discovered how negative this is to my healing. I work and strive to say, "I did my best and am doing my best. Even if it is worse I am trying and I love myself. I forgive myself completely if I messed up. I am allowed to make mistakes. I give myself permission to be relaxed even if my body is not right now." Anyone who may read this, PLEASE STOP BLAMING YOURSELVES BECAUSE IT ONLY DOES HARM. WOuld be curious to know if anyone relates. Kicking ourselves when we are down already is surely toxic. I didn't even know I was doing this so much until it got really extreme.

Love to you all my dear brothers and sisters.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Death and facing the inevitable

With all that is happening on many fronts in the world, the question that keeps coming up is around death. Especially with the dangers of vaccinations, chem trails, drugs and dangers in water supply, GMO foods and bugs, the list goes on. It is something many of us ignore or avoid but the time has come to face it as I believe it is never too early to prepare spiritually. Various religious/spiritual traditions emphasize the importance of "dying daily" or doing "death meditation". It has helped me very much to delve deeper into this.

My experience in part:

I was at a point where I thought I was going to die with the morgellons going deep into my system as I labored breathing, had chest pain, severe twitching spasms through the night, and slurred speech. I was so stressed out too which compounded this since I was not believed my family, friends, or doctors at the time. I was alone. I knew what was happening after spending day and night researching it myself and communicating with others who shared my symptoms. The thing about morgellons ( I am sure many of you can attest to) is that it is not accepted or understood by vast majority of medical community thus the tests are inadequate and patiants are told they are delusional. I spent the night in ER of UCLA and was told I am wasting the space. I have had 10 doctors not believe me until finally now I have three that do. I got some of the right blood work done that on several accounts showed out of range according to Quest Diagnostics. The doctor who ordered the test was now sure if there was even a tiny doubt before that this was morgellons ( btw, morgellons is a broad name with many differnt types and theories of what it is. It is a new emerging and fast spreading disease that is complicated and confusing to even many who are well informed). I felt like waving that blood test in front of every person that didn't believe me and saying, " See this! I was not crazy and I am not crazy!" I still have more tests to do. Warning: TANGENT TAKING PLACE. Pardon me while I stray off topic to vent a bit:) I still find myself a bit defensive about it. It plays with your mind and emotions when you know what you are feeling and doctors and loved ones, and strangers tell you it is in your head. This was probably MORE devastating than anything else and it took a long time and effort to get to the point where people acknowledged that something physical is taking place. I had planned out my suicide. Not just in despair but very calmly. If my parents had not come around to believing me and no doctor had understood what was going on, I would surely not be here today. The lonliness and despair was just too intense. It started in India. At the Ashram nobody believed me including doctors. I went one month in isolation (which was a good thing to have own bathroom, thank God since I had to spend hours in there) having to walk a half a mile one way, up three flights of stairs in the heat to wash my clothes by hand. I might as well have not washed them because they replicated in the clothes fast and I had nothing else to wear. I had active symptoms in India for about one month. Why not leave you ask? Ok so i thought this whole time that it was lice which I did have since I attract everything around me but that was just a small part of the story. I had come there for an advanced Yoga program that was supposed to help my Karma. So I came all this way and borrowed money to do this to break some of my karma and no matter how uncomfortable, something as small as lice was not going to get in the way of my breaking my karma! That is how I viewed it at the time. Now I see I would have been better leaving way early on but I didn't kknow what I was dealing with. The exhaustion was beyond belief and the symptoms soared to the point I shaved my head. It temporarily gave some relief. During the actual advanced program which was in silence I used a chemical permethrin cream twice as a last resort out of pure desperation and it made things SOOOO much worse. I wanted to leave then but it was too late I had given my word that for 7 days I would not communicate to anyone in any form. They even tell us that only if we feel we are going to die in that moment like a heart attack or something only then are we allowed. The reason is that it disturbs the energy that has been created for that situation. HArd to explain but anyway I finally got out of that and was physically VERY weak and could not eat and was always on the verge of throwing up b/c they had gone deep in sinus and then I would taste a bitter mucus that when it hit my stomach would make me sick. Only thing that helped was spitting it out constantly. I saw several doctors in Bombay and again same response. Except one did believe me but did not know what to do and gave me Ivermectin (n anti-parasitic). On the plane back I took it and immediately felt better in stomach but a week later I was hit with the attack of symptoms that landed me in the ER as described above. After coming to parents house a family doctor saw me and talked to parents and said it is their responsibility to put me in an institution! I am still wroking on letting the anger go. To all those who hurt me and did not believe me I FORGIVE YOU IN THIS MOMENT! The resentment only hurts myself. If any of you out there can relate with this ( I have seen on many other blogs that this is the one thing all of us morgies have in common is being so poorly treated by medical community)there is hope. Although I am still battling this full on and not much progress seems to be made, at least I have people who believe me and care.

IF YOU NEED HELP FINDING A MORGELLONS FRIENDLY DOCTOR PLZ TELL ME as I can put you in touch with someone who can help you achieve this according to where you live.

Light and blessings,