Thursday, July 1, 2010

Death and facing the inevitable

With all that is happening on many fronts in the world, the question that keeps coming up is around death. Especially with the dangers of vaccinations, chem trails, drugs and dangers in water supply, GMO foods and bugs, the list goes on. It is something many of us ignore or avoid but the time has come to face it as I believe it is never too early to prepare spiritually. Various religious/spiritual traditions emphasize the importance of "dying daily" or doing "death meditation". It has helped me very much to delve deeper into this.

My experience in part:

I was at a point where I thought I was going to die with the morgellons going deep into my system as I labored breathing, had chest pain, severe twitching spasms through the night, and slurred speech. I was so stressed out too which compounded this since I was not believed my family, friends, or doctors at the time. I was alone. I knew what was happening after spending day and night researching it myself and communicating with others who shared my symptoms. The thing about morgellons ( I am sure many of you can attest to) is that it is not accepted or understood by vast majority of medical community thus the tests are inadequate and patiants are told they are delusional. I spent the night in ER of UCLA and was told I am wasting the space. I have had 10 doctors not believe me until finally now I have three that do. I got some of the right blood work done that on several accounts showed out of range according to Quest Diagnostics. The doctor who ordered the test was now sure if there was even a tiny doubt before that this was morgellons ( btw, morgellons is a broad name with many differnt types and theories of what it is. It is a new emerging and fast spreading disease that is complicated and confusing to even many who are well informed). I felt like waving that blood test in front of every person that didn't believe me and saying, " See this! I was not crazy and I am not crazy!" I still have more tests to do. Warning: TANGENT TAKING PLACE. Pardon me while I stray off topic to vent a bit:) I still find myself a bit defensive about it. It plays with your mind and emotions when you know what you are feeling and doctors and loved ones, and strangers tell you it is in your head. This was probably MORE devastating than anything else and it took a long time and effort to get to the point where people acknowledged that something physical is taking place. I had planned out my suicide. Not just in despair but very calmly. If my parents had not come around to believing me and no doctor had understood what was going on, I would surely not be here today. The lonliness and despair was just too intense. It started in India. At the Ashram nobody believed me including doctors. I went one month in isolation (which was a good thing to have own bathroom, thank God since I had to spend hours in there) having to walk a half a mile one way, up three flights of stairs in the heat to wash my clothes by hand. I might as well have not washed them because they replicated in the clothes fast and I had nothing else to wear. I had active symptoms in India for about one month. Why not leave you ask? Ok so i thought this whole time that it was lice which I did have since I attract everything around me but that was just a small part of the story. I had come there for an advanced Yoga program that was supposed to help my Karma. So I came all this way and borrowed money to do this to break some of my karma and no matter how uncomfortable, something as small as lice was not going to get in the way of my breaking my karma! That is how I viewed it at the time. Now I see I would have been better leaving way early on but I didn't kknow what I was dealing with. The exhaustion was beyond belief and the symptoms soared to the point I shaved my head. It temporarily gave some relief. During the actual advanced program which was in silence I used a chemical permethrin cream twice as a last resort out of pure desperation and it made things SOOOO much worse. I wanted to leave then but it was too late I had given my word that for 7 days I would not communicate to anyone in any form. They even tell us that only if we feel we are going to die in that moment like a heart attack or something only then are we allowed. The reason is that it disturbs the energy that has been created for that situation. HArd to explain but anyway I finally got out of that and was physically VERY weak and could not eat and was always on the verge of throwing up b/c they had gone deep in sinus and then I would taste a bitter mucus that when it hit my stomach would make me sick. Only thing that helped was spitting it out constantly. I saw several doctors in Bombay and again same response. Except one did believe me but did not know what to do and gave me Ivermectin (n anti-parasitic). On the plane back I took it and immediately felt better in stomach but a week later I was hit with the attack of symptoms that landed me in the ER as described above. After coming to parents house a family doctor saw me and talked to parents and said it is their responsibility to put me in an institution! I am still wroking on letting the anger go. To all those who hurt me and did not believe me I FORGIVE YOU IN THIS MOMENT! The resentment only hurts myself. If any of you out there can relate with this ( I have seen on many other blogs that this is the one thing all of us morgies have in common is being so poorly treated by medical community)there is hope. Although I am still battling this full on and not much progress seems to be made, at least I have people who believe me and care.

IF YOU NEED HELP FINDING A MORGELLONS FRIENDLY DOCTOR PLZ TELL ME as I can put you in touch with someone who can help you achieve this according to where you live.

Light and blessings,