Friday, July 2, 2010

Reflections on coping w/ morgellons symptoms

What a meditation, the fight of my kife this morgellons is. Everyday just working to stay calm and peaceful when bugs are coming out of my nose onto my face and all over body, into mouth, gums, throat, toungue, while crawling, biting, and itching.Every time I breathe I am either breathing them into to me or out onto me. You know how many breaths one takes in a day? They are in my muscle and brain and of course gut and everywhere. One must transcend the physical just to survive. I am trying my best. I try to stick to this mantra I set for myself, " In this test I will not stress, I'll do my best and let the rest manifest....give it up to God". I am not going outside anymore. As a person who loves nature this is something to adjust to. As many morgellons people know we attract bugs to us. I didn't take this too seriously and was going for a walk everyday. BUt my symptoms would get worse and both visible and invisible bugs would be felt especially on head and face. After coming back from outside one time I picked out two black bugs imbedded in the skin of my neck.. After that I hardly go out. I for my birthday on June 22nd thought I would just let go and forget about it and went outside for at least and hour and I felt stuff and have since just felt that i should stay in until I get better.

ANother part of me wonders should I just let it get worse when I go out and still try to live my life? When I do this every time the worsening of the symptoms brings my spirits down and I work so hard to keep them up. All this stuff in the big picture is small stuff I know. A big thing for me is to forgive myself. I don't know if anyone else has this issue but every time the symptoms are worse or I feel something new, I blame myself and say, "Maybe I should not have done this" or "I messed up and did blah blah blah" I only recently discovered how negative this is to my healing. I work and strive to say, "I did my best and am doing my best. Even if it is worse I am trying and I love myself. I forgive myself completely if I messed up. I am allowed to make mistakes. I give myself permission to be relaxed even if my body is not right now." Anyone who may read this, PLEASE STOP BLAMING YOURSELVES BECAUSE IT ONLY DOES HARM. WOuld be curious to know if anyone relates. Kicking ourselves when we are down already is surely toxic. I didn't even know I was doing this so much until it got really extreme.

Love to you all my dear brothers and sisters.